


It's not getting easier

by bungee_bepbop



Series: Tsukishima's series of bad days (and some good ones) [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Anorexic tsukishima, Bulimia, Depressed Tsukishima Kei, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Tsukishima Kei Needs a Hug, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, kurotsuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29969913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bungee_bepbop/pseuds/bungee_bepbop
Summary: Even after years of struggling with his mental health Tsukishima still finds most days insufferable.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Series: Tsukishima's series of bad days (and some good ones) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184930
Kudos: 44





	It's not getting easier

Tsukishima never planned on things going this way, but he just kept feeling worse and worse and the list of things that would make him feel better just got smaller. 

There was nothing  _ wrong _ , technically speaking _. _ His life should be perfect. He had friends, hobbies, a good life, a boyfriend who loved him, but none of it made him feel better. It should make him feel better, but it just  _ doesn’t _ the way it used to. His life was slipping out from underneath him and he didn't know how to catch it. 

Things that used to scare him start to sound appealing. The first cut is the hardest, but he finds himself itching to make more whenever he’s alone. Thinking about death used to make him feel sick, his mind would cloud with how people would miss him, but as he runs through the relief of how he’d feel, he can’t help but close his eyes and realize that if he were gone, what people felt wouldn’t be his problem. 

But on the opposite side of things, things that used to sound appealing repulse him. He used to swoon over the idea of food but after the third bad day in a row and the third pound of lost weight gained back he cuts into his thighs because he is  _ repulsive. _

The meaning of the words  _ need _ and  _ want _ cloud over. 

He used to need to starve, but now he wants to so he can feel pretty. 

He used to want to be able to hurt himself, but now he needs to to feel better. 

He used to fear with his entire life force someone would find out about every secret little habit he had but now he both needs and wants someone to find out so he can finally stop. 

But yet again, he’s done it to himself.

He’s aloof, sarcastic and no one notices how most days he wants to sink into his own skin because to them, that’s just how he is. 

He wants someone to notice. He wants their worry, their concern, their stress because without it he won’t get better. He knows it gets harder before it gets easier, but he’s sick and tired of waiting for it to happen because it’s not getting easier. 

He’s lying on his bed, talking to Kuroo over the phone. 

Kuroo’s off at university. He doesn’t notice the changes in Kei because he isn’t there to see them. He doesn’t see the bags under his eyes or the pained expressions. And because on his own Kei won’t tell him, he doesn’t know how he’s been struggling. He doesn’t know how Yamaguchi has nearly stopped talking to him altogether, and he doesn’t know how most nights Kei goes to sleep and prays with every fibre of his being he’ll wake up somewhere else and be happy. 

“Uh… Tsukki? You there?”  _ Oh _ . Kuroo must’ve stopped talking. Kei hummed and rubbed his eyes. It was late, well, it was 11, but he’d started getting tired faster. 

“Mm… I’m here..” He mumbled, shuffling in his bed. Without seeing it he knows how Kuroo’s biting his lip, worried about what to say next. When Tsukki was in his first year, they had made a promise that he’d always talk to Kuroo when something was wrong, but they both knew he had broken the promise because he doesn’t talk about himself anymore. And it’s obvious that it’s not because nothing’s bothering him. 

There was dead air between them. It made Kei want to curl in on himself and disappear from the world. 

He could recognize the difference between an uncomfortable and a comfortable silence without needing to see Kuroo. Comfortable silence was, well, comfortable. It was when two people could be quiet for a moment, maybe more, and not feel the need to fill the air with meaningless banter. But this wasn’t it. This is what he had with most people. An uncomfortable drop in conversation where he’d silently scream at himself trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. 

Yamaguchi didn’t eat lunch with him anymore because it was ' _too_ _ awkward’ _ . 

Akaashi asked him how he was far more often than he should have to because he was  _ ‘off’ _ that day. 

Bokuto- well, Bokuto hadn’t noticed, and if he did he had kept it to himself because he didn't know what to say. 

But he wished he never had that silence with Kuroo. 

Kuroo, being used to silence anyway would always fill gaps in conversation. Growing up with Kenma meant most conversation usually fell on him, he didn’t mind though, so he’d always filled the gaps of silence even with other people. But when Kuroo was quiet it was awkward. Because Kei knew he wanted to say something but he wasn’t.

Kei’s stomach sank with every second. He bit his lip and scrunched his eyes shut. 

“If you want we can hang up… I know you’re busy anyways…” He wanted to rip his hair out and scream how sorry he was for making things the way they were. He heard Kuroo shuffling, surely debating whether or not to agree and hang up, or insist they stay on the phone. 

Kuroo cared about him. He loved Kuroo and he hoped after being together for nearly 3 years Kuroo loved him back. But Kuroo had his own life. His own problems, his own struggle and worries and Kei had learned that Kuroo couldn’t always be there. 

Kuroo had learned to prioritize himself sometimes and Kei hadn’t. Kuroo knew when he needed time for himself, he knew when to get help and knew when to ask for it. Kuroo took care of himself so he’d be able to hear about what was bothering other people without it being too overwhelming for himself. Whereas Kei simply waited, hoping someone would help him because he wasn’t strong enough to ask for it on his own. 

“Ok… uh, talk to you tomorrow Tsukki, love you.” 

“Love you too, Kuro…” 

He knew the next day he’d get a good morning text. He’d hear about Kuroo’s morning. He’d hear about whether or not the professor teaching the class had been good today or not. He’d hear about his plans with Kenma and he’d hear what had made him happy or sad. 

Kei would reply. He’d text back as enthusiastically as he could but at the end of the day, he’d feel exactly how he felt now. Alone. Ripped of hope and desperately wishing he could be wrapped in Kuroo’s arms because they were the only ones that made him feel any better. 

He heard the painfully loud disconnect of the phone call and let the phone drop next to him on his pillow. He got ready for bed even though it was early. He showered, made a few small cuts in his thigh and went to bed. Turning his lights off and scrolling through his phone for a while before he fell asleep. 

Falling into another night where he hoped that tomorrow he’d wake up somewhere where things were better. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading ^-^
> 
> This is just an addition to a series where Tsukishima rlly needs a hug
> 
> I want to add fluff to this at some point but dear god is there nothing fluffy to write about right now
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, comments or criticism is appreciated and if you happen to like this I'm always happy to hear fic/coupling requests ^-^


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